The Illusion of Perfection

Can we take a moment to talk about perfection? I know, I know. Does anyone really 'talk' about it. Well, the simple answer is no. Not directly anyway. They wait until they 'think' they've got things figured out and then they spew their gossipy nonsense all over everyone. I truly do my very best to refrain from gossip. 

Anyone who knows me, knows a girl can talk ;) 

(What?? I like people.)

Seriously, though. I enjoy a great conversation. Sometimes that means hearing about your new puppies latest trick, sometimes it means being on the receiving end of a vent from marriage or parenthood, and sometimes in means long deep conversations about the moon and the stars and birth order :) I love it all and I love when people feel like they can share with me. Trust in this day seems to be an unfortunately dwindling characteristic. It makes me sad. If I can be that, for even a few, I'm thankful that I have been used.

I digress. Perfection is an illusion and we live in a world of increasingly spectacular 'perfectionists'. The IG feed may be beautiful and the gym shots may look rippling and the home may be absolutely gorgeous. The kids hair is always nicely trimmed and the girls have adorable dresses and matching bows.

But inside those walls, man. The checkbook is a mess, the mom is struggling with depression or some form of anxiety or eating disorder, the kids are monsters and dad, he's stressed and overworked and suppressing it all because he never learned to express his emotions, and everyone is emotionally and physically exhausted with no time, energy or desire to deal with life. Maybe that's a huge over exaggeration but guys, many families who look so pretty on the outside are falling apart inside. Metaphorically and literally. 

The great news is that there are options to the 'norm'. 

First stop, Jesus Christ, arms wide and ready to offer you redemption. All you need to do is ask. I realize that often that faith, the belief it takes to trust that there is a plan, a better way, seems so out of reach. I promise it is there. I have seen it and lived it. If there is ANY way that I can ever encourage any of you in your walk with the Lord, I would be honored to do so. 

I am not, by any means, any part of perfection. I have screwed up. A lot. I've made a lot of bad choices, I said things I shouldn't have, I've done things I shouldn't have. I've mothered out of wedlock and I haven't been the best wife or mother. 

I DO, however, strive every day to be better. More intentional in my walk and relationship with my Lord, gentler with myself, more understanding and helpful as a wife, more patient as a mother, a better listener as a friend. I still often fail miserably but I've learned that's ok, as long as I never quit trying and making a true consistent effort. It's taught me so much humility and allowed me to be less judgemental and love those who need my love in order to see Him shine. I pray that He shines through me more days than I in any way dim His glory and honor.

♥

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I'd like you to meet the inspiration behind this post.... the avocado has that illusion pretty mastered.

Anyone love avocados like me?? Then you know what I'm talking about. Wait, wait, wait, RIPE, dead. I usually end up picking out some bit of funky bits because I WILL NOT waste an avocado. It would seriously have to be completely inedible. You know, like the bananas and the brown spots. There's so much you can do with an overripe avocado or banana. Am I right or am I right? ;)

 

This morning I did a little avocado toast and per usual, it was awesome :)

I like to keep things as simple as possible around here most days. What could be more simple than avocado smash on toast with a little s/p and a shot of lime juice? Not much, I'll tell ya. And would ya' just take note of the beauty of my little avocado I picked up at ALDI?! My very first of many adventures to ALDI and just LOOK! Now to put the rest to good use before they die! AHH!

Have a happy hump day, guys! Go get yourself some good fat ;)

New Year, New Opportunities

Well, here we are. In 2019. Can you believe it?? Me neither.

I've been thinking for months about the end of the year. It's always bitter sweet for me. I absolutely LOVE the fall and everything that comes with it, all the way into and through the holiday season. The colors, the scents, the decor, the weather, the fashion..... Gosh, never thought I'd hear myself saying that, rather typing*. I love the change of the seasons, the joy, gratitude and giving that come with the holidays and the clean slate that seems to come with the turning of the year.

On the opposite end of that is the "goodbye". I know it's not really gone, it lives on in our memories. It is, however, spent. Invested if you were wise, gambled for many, frivolously spent for even more. I try my best to be wise about how we spend our time as a family, intentional in coordination of events and obligations, even down to our typical day. Yet, still there doesn't seem to be quite enough time. As our family has grown and the kids continue to grow, it seems our family dynamic is in constant movement, ever changing as everyone finds their way through this journey of life, together, yet in their own timing, on their own pace. Which leaves me as momma, in a season of continuous and rapid growth and change. And it's terrifying to think of how much I'm truly missing, how much I will or won't remember 10 years from now, or even 5. Some days, I have a few extra moments, when I spiral into questioning whether or not I'm doing it all "right", whether we're setting the best examples in our marriage, whether we're teaching them all of the right things, whether I'm getting even the pickiest of eaters the proper nutrition, etc, etc, etc..... and some days, it's pure survival. Ha! Let's just be honest here. But most days, are mostly juggling all the in-betweens of the aforementioned days and doing the best we can to answer all of those questions to everyone's satisfaction, hence the juggling, and making self care a priority. That looks a little different for me on many a day.

2018 brought us so many things.

Celebrations. Losses. Disappointments. Unexpected blessings. Oh so many blessings.

I am growing ever closer in my walk with God. The hubs and I are in a better place than we have been in so so long. I am forever thankful for his love, support, encouragement and commitment to me and to our family. Our children are healthy and thriving, learning and growing more each day. They are each a complete joy and I am blessed beyond measure to have these extra moments with them all. Each of our businesses have brought frustrations and disappointments, along with many learning lessons. Nonetheless, our heads are down and we continue to work hard to fulfill our dreams for each other and our family. There is only room for improvement and growth, helping others envision their goals and dreams and helping in whatever capacity is needed to help them meet those goals. It is a reward in itself. We are both so grateful for friends, family and clients who have trusted us to come into their homes and help create beautiful spaces for them to enjoy with family and friends, while others have trusted me with their bodies, their health, literally their lives. I am honored to help each and every one of you reach your goals and look forward to meeting so many new friends in the coming weeks and months.

We celebrated birthdays, so many birthdays, and our first high school graduate. We celebrated time with family with two trips to the beach this year. We've celebrated first jobs and new business adventures. We've celebrated new friendships and wins all around. We've celebrated the rekindling of old friendships and the foundation of so many existing.

We've mourned losses, too many losses. Children and brothers, mothers and fathers. We've mourned for ourselves, for friends, new and old.

We've missed the mark, more than once. But we've gotten back up every time and you can count on the fact that we will every time. My dad always said "Try, Try again." It's ingrained in my being.

We welcomed our first great niece to our clan. She was surely unexpected but has brought so much joy to our family in just the short amount of time she's been here. Andy sure loves her something fierce.

I've been blessed with some pretty amazing women throughout this last year. Some were here long before 2018, some have drifted into my life even in the last few months and I am so thankful for each of them and the rolls they play in my life. My mother, first and foremost. There simply are not enough words to convey to one how important and vital her roll in my life is. If you know her, you probably have a fairly good idea. If you haven't, we should arrange to make that happen. There's not a soul I've met who hasn't enjoyed her company. My mother-in-law, Pat. She is a magic maker. She jumps to the rescue most always and between the two of them, I'm just not sure just how we'd manage. We've sure hit the jackpot in that department and I do not take that for granted. I know what a blessing that is. Diana, oh, Diana. She has become one of my dearest friends and a valued mentor in so many areas of my life. I can call on her always, unless it's before 10am ;) and she always has a prayer waiting just for me. Robyn- what began as a professional relationship, quickly transformed into a beautiful friendship, one that I never imagined and yet, am so thankful for. Kelsey - this woman is a rock. She is amazing, an example to me daily, as a mother, a teacher, a wife, a friend. She has literally changed my life and I will strive until the end of my days to repay her.

There are a whole crew of other women who have completely inspired me and touched my soul throughout the year - through the loss of children, loss of significant others, major accidents, divorce, major medical events, loss of homes and jobs, family turmoil, the list goes on. These women are rock stars, each one of them shining through on the other side, even when they've felt they're falling apart, their life is in shambles and everything is a mess, they have inspired me and reminded me, yet again, of how important perspective is. It's everything.

So that's what I'm walking into 2019 with: Perspective.

I'd said that my word for 2019 was Focus, but maybe it's actually Perspective.

I have a purpose and mission as I walk into this year, hand in hand with my husband and beautiful babes, but THAT is exactly what matters most, and so long as we're hand in hand, this year will be amazin'. ;)

Happy 2019, ya'll. Let's go do this thing.

DIY Mini Christmas Wreaths

Last year, early in the holiday season, I saw the MOST adorable mini Christmas wreaths you've ever seen. At the Target Dollar Spot, no less. WIN-WIN, right? No. Not the case. There were only 3. THREE. I wasn't sure how many, exactly, that I would want so I decided against the purchase. (I was in the still VERY early stages of purging non-essentials from our home.... another story, for another day).

Anyone of you who loves this spot as much as we do, which I'm guessing is a large majority ;), knows that it's as good as shopping discount stores or Goodwill. If you want it, you'd better grab it, or IT. WILL. BE. GONE. Two days later, they'd vanished and I have yet to see them return.

Weeks later, I noticed what I THOUGHT were my wreaths. NOW is my chance, I thought.... Only to discover that it was not my beloved wreaths but "greenery garland".

I'd be lying if I said I didn't stand in a brief moment of disappointment, but hey, it's life. I quickly drove past that and resolved to make my own.... sometime. I purchased three rolls and brought them home with intent to craft up my own lovely Christmas wreaths..... Well, ya'll know how that went. With a teenager, an active growing boy, two toddlers and a baby who was now on the move, not to mention spousal and household duties, assisting with one business and running another, my crafting fell quickly on the priority list.

So at the end of the season, I packed up all of our Christmas crafts and activities in their own box and resolved to make it happen this year. I'm quite pleased with the end result and think you'll all be as thrilled with how easy they were to create.

I gathered my supplies: greenery garland, ribbon, hot glue and tape

Note: the most adorable golden dachshund tape dispenser, gifted to me by none other than my friend and avid Disney and Rae Dunn collector, Rebecca :) You can visit her on IG @beccajwayne to see all of her adventures in collecting :)

I divided the length of two rolls of the garland by the number of wreaths I wanted to make, resulting in approximately 36" pieces. (I made 13 wreaths)

I rolled each 36" piece into wreaths similar in size to my original roll, then twisted the garland around itself in order to secure the shape and size. This worked well for this particular garland, as it has some type of wire inside, however, if you needed extra security, I believe a dot or two of hot glue would do the trick. That was my original plan ;)

After doing this, I took my ribbon to the kitchen to approximate the length of ribbon I would need. An extra set of eyes helped in this step by standing back from the cabinet to gauge the length. Think: KIDS.

I then cut and recut 13 lengths of ribbon and hot glued them one by one, with a small loop, around the mini wreaths :)

I proceeded to hang them from each cabinet (with tape), again utilizing a second pair of almost-willing eyes to assist. I am pleased with the end result and while part of me wishes there was a glimmer of gold or pop of red, I kind of love the simplicity and that I could use these for so many festive occasions!

If you decide to take a go at these or are inspired to create some other craft, Christmas or otherwise, I'd love to see the results! Sharing is caring! LOVE to you all!

OH and can you believe there are only SEVEN days until Christmas?! SEVEN, ya'll!! Buckle your seat belts. Santa Clause is coming to town ;)

Ain't it funny how...

Have you ever had one of those days that made you just want to lick the bottom of the cork from the wine bottle? NO? Yeah, me neither ;)

Seriously, though. This season. It has been HARD. Messy and LOUD, repetitive and exhausting.

At the very same time, it is EVERY.SINGLE. THING. I could ever have dreamed it to be. It's slow mornings and breakfast together. It's crafts and questions, reading and dreaming. It's learning and growing together. Ohhhh the growing.... It's breaking me a little inside. It goes too fast. So fast. I don't know about you other mommas out there. I know there are a few of you who have gone through similar transitions. I've been a working mom for 18 years, dreaming of being a SAHM, yearning for the days where I would wake up and breathe in, slowly, the sweet smell of babies from our bed and not be in a hurry to rush everyone off to spend their days away from one another. And man, THAT. That is where it is. If you could bottle that up and share it with the world, wow. What a world it would be.

These days have been so full of love and yet, still this hole exists.... I've been missing my dad something fierce in these recent months. Maybe the fact that it has been so full of love and excitement and adventure in life has left a part of me yearning for him, missing the opportunity to share it all with him.

Time is such a funny, interesting and mysterious thing. It goes so fast and sometimes it seems that there's no possible way that he's been gone for 15 years. Other times, it feels like it was just yesterday. Like I can breathe in and for a moment, replay each of the moments that seemed to have come, and now gone, so quickly.

Sometimes when I remember him, all I can do is smile, knowing that he is right here by my side. Knowing that he is no longer in physical pain, knowing that he is safe and knowing that he's not really missing ANY of this. And other times, these memories, they sneak out of my eyes and my chest is heavy, in selfish sorrow, wishing he were still here.

Hurt is inevitable when you loose someone so dear and we feel entitled to understanding all of the whys. But we're not. If there is one thing that God has made so evidently clear to me, especially in more recent years, it is that His plan is oh-so-much-better than ANY plan that I could work up. He doesn't ask that we not feel the emotions that are so bound to be worked up in this life, quite the contrary, actually. He asks that we FEEL every emotion and bring them to Him, in trust, that He will work things out, all to His glory and for the greater good.

And so I trust. Trust that He will indeed guide me to the path that has been laid for me, allow me to share His story and hope with others, to touch them and help guide them to Him, and to work out all the fine details for the Good. 

*I'm no spiritual or religious expert, by any means. I simply share how He has revealed Himself to me over the years in hopes that it will bring someone else closer to Him.*

Mastering the ART of "Thank you"

Recently, I read an article or fellow blog post that spoke of the importance of just embracing the art of saying "Thank you." It seems so simple to say. Such a simple statement. And LORD, WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS? And in the south?!

But truly, how many of us are good at just simply saying those two little words? It really is an art, a skill, a mastery. I have spent so many years being beyond horrible and making things incredibly awkward by not responding appropriately : / Not because I don't appreciate a compliment as much as the next but because I never felt that I carried the VALUE of that compliment. With me?

"I love your shirt!" turns into "Oh, this old thing?" or "It doesn't fit right".

"I love that nail color!" turns into "You know, I thought I'd try something new for fall" or "I let me daughter pick it out".

"I love your hair!" turns into "I'm not good at hair" or "I hate my hair"....

Yep. That last one. ALL. ME.

I have gotten compliments on my hair from so many people for so many years. The truth is, I'm NOT "good" at hair and I don't particularly LIKE my hair. It's gotten thinner as I've gotten older, especially after I had baby #2. I spent years with my hair up, training in ballet, that even now, it's almost strange to have my hair down, though, I haven't trained in nearly 2 decades. (My dear friend, Tonja, says "once an athlete, always as athlete". You may not consider ballet very athletic. Take a class, two if you dare, and come back and talk to me.)

I'm working on loving my hair, embracing my insecurities, learning some new tricks and hair styles and when my hair stylist, Katie, says "Have I told you how much I love your hair?", I simply say "Thank you."

Also, have you ever noticed that sometimes your biggest insecurities are something that someone else admires most about you? Maybe it's something physical but maybe it's a skill, an area where you feel like you lack or need improvement, but to someone else, it's an area that you are better than they are. Maybe the very opportunity you have, that sometimes is the cause of your stress or frustration, is something another so desires to have? Next time that you're critical of yourself or feeling increased stress, think about that. Count your blessings and remember to take control of the things that can be, let go of the things that cannot.

Give a compliment and receive them gracefully.

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Weekly update:

THE WONKY DONKEY arrived! We've been waiting for WEEKS for this to come in the mail as we work on rhyming... OKAY. It might have been more because this grandma made this book look irresistible. But we ARE working on rhyming! LOL If you haven't seen the adorable video of the grandma reading this book to her grandson, you should look it up on YouTube HERE. Then purchase the book. Best $7.99 ever!

Andyman got his first hair cut and had some great fun cheering on the boys at practice and making some discoveries :) What is it about those first hair cuts that spur your baby into full on toddler mode?! It's like cutting off time instead of hair! How does it happen? (More on that, later) He was also sure to rep his winning team ;)

Yesterday we made a trip into downtown Jonesboro for a look at the scarecrows and some pumpkin pickin' (with several failed attempts at a successful group picture)... But we all had fun and stopped by to visit The Fig Tree for a treat. 

Today we began to bake off and decorate sugar cookies we planned to bring to a friends this weekend for a fall festivity... The baking went fine, the decorating, not so much HAHA Turns out that my fantastic flamingos last year, may have driven some overachiever in me ;) I'll continue the trial tomorrow and keep you all updated on the final outcome of our cookies and royal icing adventures. At least the cookie cutters are pretty. Thank you, Target Dollar Spot!

Lastly, tonight, this guy took his football pads (that we scored at GW!!) to practice and joined the bigger guys for running and drills and was SO STOKED!! He was so proud to be a part of the team and TJ was glowing, to have his baby brother on that field, looking up to him and his team mates. It was a good night :)

I spy, with my little eye, a kind-hearted, rough housing, nature loving boy :)

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Wow. I knew it had been a long time. Too long. However, I truly hadn't realized it had been THIS long.

I don't know that I'd call myself a writer. Maybe that's because I haven't written anything that I feel is of "true substance". Maybe it's because it's not my profession or I'm not published. Maybe it's because it's a lie the devil whispered in my ear so many years ago and foolishly, I've believed him.

It's always been somewhat of a therapy for me and somewhere along the way, I lost touch with the things that made me "me". I'm going to start back here, to sort out some thoughts, post random ideas, recipes, crafts and lifestyle changes as our journey continues to unfold. I hope you'll join us for a bit of it :)

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Within the last few days, I shared a few details from my first childbirth. Many of you have known me since before that pregnancy, many of you have only met me within the last few years, many of you have just recently discovered that Hannah is indeed my biological daughter ;) and if I'm lucky, maybe, just maybe, a few of you who read this, do not know me at all.

It's funny that a random FB post and a few questions have piggy-backed several life events and spurred this post. Forgive me as I gather my thoughts and try my best to convey them to you.

Our story is not typical. It's been messy and difficult and unconventional, and just plain old HARD. To many, it has been looked down upon or judged, for so many reasons, out loud to our faces, in quiet behind closed doors and in sheer devilish glare. I thought through the years that I'd let go of so much of those things. You see, I'm an optimist and a dreamer and holding onto negative baggage, holding grudges, well, it's just not my bag.

Daughter. Granddaughter. Sister. Cousin. Friend. Student. Dancer. Artist. Band geek. Adventurer. Traveler.

A creative soul eager to embrace all that the world had to offer me.

"Teen mom" just didn't fit into my perception of who I was or who I would become. No matter what the label is, you never think it will be you.

I knew I was responsible for my actions and even more, was responsible to this little being to be the best mother I could be, to care for, teach, guide, protect and love him or her for eternity.

I was 14.

About 6 months ago, we found out that our 16 year old niece is pregnant. It was a sucker punch. Almost immediately, all of those feelings and thoughts came rushing back as if the flood gates had been opened.

I sat in tears on the phone with my sister in law, in raw emotion, reliving a lifetime of struggles and judgement, fear and unknowns, as if it were all my own.

The label never really leaves. It got easier as I got a little older. I looked a little less "child-like" and because of that, she looked a little less like my baby sister. But then she turned into a teenager whose mother still looks like she's in college (wishful thinking) and people resort to believing we're sisters or give a look of shock, and sometimes appall, when we address ourselves as mother and daughter. Which is when it really began to hit me hard that this hardship, it's not about me. God. It's not about ME. I mean, so little of this life really is. It's not about me. It's not about you. Yet, we have turned our eyes away from He who matters, away from the Love we should be sharing, away from THEM who are different and focused so much on ourselves. Why?.... Ok, that's another post.

Over the last 6 months, I have slowly unpacked many of those lies and embraced the blessings that God has provided us over the years. One HUGE blessing: Hannah Marie.

She came rushing into our lives from the very beginning and hasn't slowed down a moment since. She brought with her all of the love and grace I ever could have imagined and has been the most resilient and shining daughter, friend, human. I was blessed from the very beginning. It never mattered what they thought, what they said or the look in their eyes. It never truly mattered. To know and understand that now, is an even greater blessing. To have friends and family, a tribe who lock arms and walk with us step for step, is the ultimate blessing.

The following is Hannah's birthstory:

Friday, April 21, 2000.....
Contractions began mid morning, mild and inconsistent. I took it easy most of the day, doing the usual around the house. Several calls to and from the Dr throughout the day. By the evening, Tommy had come to pick me up and go out for our usual Friday evening: Sports Authority. Large groups of teens in their cool cars and trucks would gather in the now closed Sports Authority parking lot, to show off their rides and socialize. Great times ;) I spent most of that evening adjusting position and attempting to get comfortable in the front seat of the truck, to no avail. Contractions continued to come without much change. I called an early night and Tommy took me home.

 Saturday April 22, 2000.....
I awoke to intense contractions and tightness in my back approx 2:30am. 2 minutes long, 5 minutes apart. A call back to the dr sent us on a quick ride to the hospital. A call to Tommy to keep him informed. Admitted and hooked to all the monitors, revealing a healthy heartbeat on baby girl and good vitals for momma. We were in good shape. They gave me demerol and a sleeping pill to help me relax. I was so uncomfortable in my back that I carefully tried to adjust without throwing the monitor out of whack. I was unsuccessful and each time I did, the nurse was harsh and abrupt. Frustrated with me and my lack of obedience. I was clearly just a child and she was sure to treat me as so. Thankfully, once shift change came, my next nurse was much more kind. I remember getting sick from the demerol and asking for a trash can. She thanked me for using it. REALLY? You're welcome. She was easy to please ;) By 10:30am, they'd checked me again. 2cm dilated but contractions had come to a hault. I was sent home with instructions to rest and monitor.... THIS is where it gets fun! We were discharged and arrived home shortly. I went to my room, stripped and laid in my bed, doing my best to get as comfortable as possible. My angel of a mother suggested that I try the bath. I was more than willing. She ran a warm bath and assisted me into the bath. That didn't last long. I was back to the bed before long. Then back and forth for some time, doing my best to deal with the pain. It must have been approximately 12:40pm or so when I needed to use the restroom. My mom in the kitchen, my dad helped me to the restroom. He headed down the hall toward my mother, as almost immediately, I felt a head. I distinctly remember the following:
"MOM!"
"Cynthia, Sarah's calling for you."
"I'm about to have this baby."
"NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE ABOUT TO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON IS WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO!"

It wasn't funny then, but it's one of my favorite parts of this story :) Maybe just because it was my daddy.

I was assisted, quite quickly, into a white t-shirt and gray sweat pants. We shuffled down the stairs to the car, as dad called Tommy to let him know we were headed back to the hospital. Mom and I climbed in the back. Dad drove. Mom coached me the entire way back to the hospital, breathing and rubbing my back, but the pain in my back was becoming unbearable and suddenly there was an urge to push. Mom reached down and could already feel her head. We were so close. Mom encouraged me to continue breathing but I just knew I wasn't going to make it. I told her that I had to push. And so, I did. 2 pushes later, at 1:05pm, a beautiful baby girl entered the world and was on my chest, eye to eye. She didn't cry right away but looked into the depths of my soul, as if she were an angel, sent from God. I rubbed her back and kept asking why she wasn't crying and within seconds, she did. It was like a transition from angel to human, one of the most miraculous moments I've ever witnessed.

"She looks like a Hannah to me, dad"

We arrived at the hospital just moments later where the ER staff were rushed out to the car by my father. The nurse who was going to cut the umbilical cord was hastily stopped by another and allowed my mother, who had just delivered her first grandchild, to cut the cord. They chauffeured us into the hospital, where we met Tommy and we completed her birth certificate.

Name: Hannah Marie
Birth weight: 7 lb 4 oz
Length: 19 1/4in
Place of birth: En route

 

Four Generations

In celebration of fall, our favorite season of the year, I'll also share some of my favorite fall photos of my dear Hannah Banana :)