Ain't it funny how...

Have you ever had one of those days that made you just want to lick the bottom of the cork from the wine bottle? NO? Yeah, me neither ;)

Seriously, though. This season. It has been HARD. Messy and LOUD, repetitive and exhausting.

At the very same time, it is EVERY.SINGLE. THING. I could ever have dreamed it to be. It's slow mornings and breakfast together. It's crafts and questions, reading and dreaming. It's learning and growing together. Ohhhh the growing.... It's breaking me a little inside. It goes too fast. So fast. I don't know about you other mommas out there. I know there are a few of you who have gone through similar transitions. I've been a working mom for 18 years, dreaming of being a SAHM, yearning for the days where I would wake up and breathe in, slowly, the sweet smell of babies from our bed and not be in a hurry to rush everyone off to spend their days away from one another. And man, THAT. That is where it is. If you could bottle that up and share it with the world, wow. What a world it would be.

These days have been so full of love and yet, still this hole exists.... I've been missing my dad something fierce in these recent months. Maybe the fact that it has been so full of love and excitement and adventure in life has left a part of me yearning for him, missing the opportunity to share it all with him.

Time is such a funny, interesting and mysterious thing. It goes so fast and sometimes it seems that there's no possible way that he's been gone for 15 years. Other times, it feels like it was just yesterday. Like I can breathe in and for a moment, replay each of the moments that seemed to have come, and now gone, so quickly.

Sometimes when I remember him, all I can do is smile, knowing that he is right here by my side. Knowing that he is no longer in physical pain, knowing that he is safe and knowing that he's not really missing ANY of this. And other times, these memories, they sneak out of my eyes and my chest is heavy, in selfish sorrow, wishing he were still here.

Hurt is inevitable when you loose someone so dear and we feel entitled to understanding all of the whys. But we're not. If there is one thing that God has made so evidently clear to me, especially in more recent years, it is that His plan is oh-so-much-better than ANY plan that I could work up. He doesn't ask that we not feel the emotions that are so bound to be worked up in this life, quite the contrary, actually. He asks that we FEEL every emotion and bring them to Him, in trust, that He will work things out, all to His glory and for the greater good.

And so I trust. Trust that He will indeed guide me to the path that has been laid for me, allow me to share His story and hope with others, to touch them and help guide them to Him, and to work out all the fine details for the Good. 

*I'm no spiritual or religious expert, by any means. I simply share how He has revealed Himself to me over the years in hopes that it will bring someone else closer to Him.*