Wow. I knew it had been a long time. Too long. However, I truly hadn't realized it had been THIS long.
I don't know that I'd call myself a writer. Maybe that's because I haven't written anything that I feel is of "true substance". Maybe it's because it's not my profession or I'm not published. Maybe it's because it's a lie the devil whispered in my ear so many years ago and foolishly, I've believed him.
It's always been somewhat of a therapy for me and somewhere along the way, I lost touch with the things that made me "me". I'm going to start back here, to sort out some thoughts, post random ideas, recipes, crafts and lifestyle changes as our journey continues to unfold. I hope you'll join us for a bit of it :)
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Within the last few days, I shared a few details from my first childbirth. Many of you have known me since before that pregnancy, many of you have only met me within the last few years, many of you have just recently discovered that Hannah is indeed my biological daughter ;) and if I'm lucky, maybe, just maybe, a few of you who read this, do not know me at all.
It's funny that a random FB post and a few questions have piggy-backed several life events and spurred this post. Forgive me as I gather my thoughts and try my best to convey them to you.
Our story is not typical. It's been messy and difficult and
unconventional, and just plain old
HARD. To many, it has been looked down
upon or judged, for so many reasons, out loud to our faces, in quiet
behind closed doors and in sheer devilish glare. I thought through the years that I'd let go of so much of those things. You see, I'm an optimist and a dreamer and holding onto negative baggage, holding grudges, well, it's just not my bag.
Daughter. Granddaughter. Sister. Cousin. Friend. Student. Dancer. Artist. Band geek. Adventurer. Traveler.
A creative soul eager to embrace all that the world had to offer me.
"Teen mom" just didn't fit into my perception of who I was or who I would become. No matter what the label is, you never think it will be you.
I knew I was responsible for my actions and even more, was responsible to this little being to be the best mother I could be, to care for, teach, guide, protect and love him or her for eternity.
I was 14.
About 6 months ago, we found out that our 16 year old niece is pregnant. It was a sucker punch. Almost immediately, all of those feelings and thoughts came rushing back as if the flood gates had been opened.
I sat in tears on the phone with my sister in law, in raw emotion, reliving a lifetime of struggles and judgement, fear and unknowns, as if it were all my own.
The label never really leaves. It got easier as I got a little older. I looked a little less "child-like" and because of that, she looked a little less like my baby sister. But then she turned into a teenager whose mother still looks like she's in college (wishful thinking) and people resort to believing we're sisters or give a look of shock, and sometimes appall, when we address ourselves as mother and daughter. Which is when it really began to hit me hard that this hardship, it's not about me. God. It's not about ME. I mean, so little of this life really is. It's not about me. It's not about you. Yet, we have turned our eyes away from He who matters, away from the Love we should be sharing, away from THEM who are different and focused so much on ourselves. Why?.... Ok, that's another post.
Over the last 6 months, I have slowly unpacked many of those lies and embraced the blessings that God has provided us over the years. One HUGE blessing: Hannah Marie.
She came rushing into our lives from the very beginning and hasn't slowed down a moment since. She brought with her all of the love and grace I ever could have imagined and has been the most resilient and shining daughter, friend, human. I was blessed from the very beginning. It never mattered what they thought, what they said or the look in their eyes. It never truly mattered. To know and understand that now, is an even greater blessing. To have friends and family, a tribe who lock arms and walk with us step for step, is the ultimate blessing.
The following is Hannah's birthstory:
Friday, April 21, 2000.....
Contractions began mid morning, mild and inconsistent. I took it easy most of the day, doing the usual around the house. Several calls to and from the Dr throughout the day. By the evening, Tommy had come to pick me up and go out for our usual Friday evening: Sports Authority. Large groups of teens in their cool cars and trucks would gather in the now closed Sports Authority parking lot, to show off their rides and socialize. Great times ;) I spent most of that evening adjusting position and attempting to get comfortable in the front seat of the truck, to no avail. Contractions continued to come without much change. I called an early night and Tommy took me home.
Saturday April 22, 2000.....
I awoke to intense contractions and tightness in my back approx 2:30am. 2 minutes long, 5 minutes apart. A call back to the dr sent us on a quick ride to the hospital. A call to Tommy to keep him informed. Admitted and hooked to all the monitors, revealing a healthy heartbeat on baby girl and good vitals for momma. We were in good shape. They gave me demerol and a sleeping pill to help me relax. I was so uncomfortable in my back that I carefully tried to adjust without throwing the monitor out of whack. I was unsuccessful and each time I did, the nurse was harsh and abrupt. Frustrated with me and my lack of obedience. I was clearly just a child and she was sure to treat me as so. Thankfully, once shift change came, my next nurse was much more kind. I remember getting sick from the demerol and asking for a trash can. She thanked me for using it. REALLY? You're welcome. She was easy to please ;) By 10:30am, they'd checked me again. 2cm dilated but contractions had come to a hault. I was sent home with instructions to rest and monitor.... THIS is where it gets fun! We were discharged and arrived home shortly. I went to my room, stripped and laid in my bed, doing my best to get as comfortable as possible. My angel of a mother suggested that I try the bath. I was more than willing. She ran a warm bath and assisted me into the bath. That didn't last long. I was back to the bed before long. Then back and forth for some time, doing my best to deal with the pain. It must have been approximately 12:40pm or so when I needed to use the restroom. My mom in the kitchen, my dad helped me to the restroom. He headed down the hall toward my mother, as almost immediately, I felt a head. I distinctly remember the following:
"MOM!"
"Cynthia, Sarah's calling for you."
"I'm about to have this baby."
"NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE ABOUT TO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON IS WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO!"
It wasn't funny then, but it's one of my favorite parts of this story :) Maybe just because it was my daddy.
I was assisted, quite quickly, into a white t-shirt and gray sweat pants. We shuffled down the stairs to the car, as dad called Tommy to let him know we were headed back to the hospital. Mom and I climbed in the back. Dad drove. Mom coached me the entire way back to the hospital, breathing and rubbing my back, but the pain in my back was becoming unbearable and suddenly there was an urge to push. Mom reached down and could already feel her head. We were so close. Mom encouraged me to continue breathing but I just knew I wasn't going to make it. I told her that I had to push. And so, I did. 2 pushes later, at 1:05pm, a beautiful baby girl entered the world and was on my chest, eye to eye. She didn't cry right away but looked into the depths of my soul, as if she were an angel, sent from God. I rubbed her back and kept asking why she wasn't crying and within seconds, she did. It was like a transition from angel to human, one of the most miraculous moments I've ever witnessed.
"She looks like a Hannah to me, dad"
We arrived at the hospital just moments later where the ER staff were rushed out to the car by my father. The nurse who was going to cut the umbilical cord was hastily stopped by another and allowed my mother, who had just delivered her first grandchild, to cut the cord. They chauffeured us into the hospital, where we met Tommy and we completed her birth certificate.
Name: Hannah Marie
Birth weight: 7 lb 4 oz
Length: 19 1/4in
Place of birth: En route
Four Generations
In celebration of fall, our favorite season of the year, I'll also share some of my favorite fall photos of my dear Hannah Banana :)
