It's been a long time since I took care of me. I mean, really took care of me. Of course, I do all the day to days, sometimes just barely and out of necessity, but at the end of the night what did I do for me?

It sounds so selfish to write it. To say it out loud. What did I do for me?

I hadn't truly realized how much of myself that I've lost. Or left. Until recently.

Becoming a mother has definitely had it's fair share of stumbles. I made the decision to put myself aside and nurture this little person, having no idea what the true long term consequences would be.

The "consequences" have been rewarding. They have been frustrating and heartbreaking.  They have been beautiful and fulfilling. They have been crazy and infuriating. They have been the best 15 years and three little people I could ever ask for.

But somewhere in 15 years of acquiring all kinds of awesome, I lost some of mine. OK. A lot of mine.

So I've been thinking and talking "crazy". And scaring the mess out of my husband in the process. I'm sure he thinks I'm having some type of crisis, and hey, who am I to tell him that he's wrong?

But who am I outside of being a mom? Outside of being a wife? Of being the keeper of laundry? The cooker of dinner? The cleaner of all things household? The payer of bills? The checker of homework? Who is Sarah K?

I used to be a mover of my body. A creator of things. A writer of stories and songs. A drawer of doodles.

Am I still those things? Could I be? Do I want to be?

And so I've found myself here, writing into cyber space, about my thoughts for the day, contemplating who I was, who I am and who I aim to be.

I'm becoming Sarah K.

About a year ago, I was looking for a new small group to attend at church.

I wasn't sure where to look, being that I kind of fell into my previous small group.

The small group I had "fallen" into turned out to be marvelous and so I turned to the leader of the group. Although she did not have plans to begin a new small group, she was currently attending one that she thought I would really enjoy. 

 

Boy, was she right. As a matter of fact, this incredible group of women has become quite vital to my every day.

 

And so today, as I have spent time reflecting on the week, on my personal growth, on my life as a child of God, a wife and mother, on who I am and what my purpose is, I thought it only fitting to thank these women for who they are to me and to my growth in my walk with Christ.

Each week on Sunday morning, we get up and move, ever so quickly, gathering our Bibles and breakfast, the occasional cup of coffee, as we skirt out the door to arrive at church at the very last moment. We pull into the parking lot, grabbing and going. Miss Priss and I say our "See ya after services", the littles and I head for sign in, name tags and drop off. There are hugs and kisses, drop and gos. I rush to the library and ever-so-slyly, knock and grin, hoping they'll let me in. Again.

And just like every Sunday, they each smile and welcome me in. Just me. With my messy hair and no make-up, flushed, flustered face hiding behind my glasses, book in hand. I slip in and quietly grab a seat, listening as I do, to the conversation which has already started.

I sit down. I breathe. I relax. I know I am safe here. Welcome and accepted, for exactly who I am.

 

We have discussion. About faith. Our walks with Christ. Marriage. Motherhood. Friendship.

 

I enjoy hearing all of their stories and am comforted by their struggles and trails, knowing that I am not ever alone in mine. I have a new sense about myself in knowing that I have a safe place to go, one without judgement or criticism, with plenty of strong, faithful, encouraging women, who build one another up, week after week.

  

These women are not at all who I expected. I am learning to let go of my expectations of so many circumstances. God's plan is so much bigger than my own and I see it being played out day in and day out. I am so thankful today that He knew exactly what He was doing by placing me in this environment, helping to surround me with such inspiring women. If I had made judgements, based on my expectations, I most definitely would not be where I am or who I am now. It is so incredible just to look back on such little time and see such a difference in life. My faith and strength are becoming stronger, thanks largely to these women who help feed my soul with positivity, encouragement and the TRUTH. 

Thank you, ladies, for accepting me as your peer, as your sister in Christ and for each doing your part to create a warm, inviting and safe environment for our group. 

 

And thank you God, for creating such marvelous creatures :)

Amen.